Comedy Corner Underground

I’ve always envied those people who knew exactly what they wanted to be when they grew up from an early age. They get to spend most of their lives chasing their dumb dream and getting better at it.  They’re also spared the cruelty of having to abandon something they spent years building once it’s obvious they’ve hit a dead end. But those people are pretty rare. Most people, I suspect, are like me in that they become what they are by a process of elimination. 

One score ago or so, I was just a smart-ass kid in a small town cracking wise in class on a regular basis. I was at that age where you’re old enough that your personality is pretty well set, but not old enough to start doubting yourself and try to fit in with the kids around you. I wasn’t the only class clown in school but I always seemed to elude the punishment that the other clowns got from teachers. I made the teachers laugh too. I doubt I’d have ever paid attention in class if I hadn’t been allowed the liberty to make jokes about the subject of the lecture. Whenever I had a class with a teacher who didn’t like my sense of humor, I drew cartoons and wrote little sketches and such. Clearly, I had a strong interest in comedy. 

I was also into baseball. Sure being funny won me a lot of friends, but being an athlete might win me some chicks. Over time it became more and more about baseball. Outside of trashing the opposing team from the dugout or teammates that sucked, the comedy was pretty much gone. I practiced almost every single day. My brother and I were obsessed with it. Even in the winter, when other kids were playing basketball or football, we’d be tossing the baseball around to keep our pitching arms in shape. Despite years of this nonsense, I finally had to accept that I was an average player on my stupid small town team. As a pitcher, I walked or beaned more batters than I struckout. I just didn’t have the talent. I didn’t win over any chicks either. 

As I got close to adulthood I moved to the city and met many of the people that are still my closest friends.  I always enjoyed music, but these people were serious fans. I was just a small town yahoo that loved my AC/DC and other rock acts I heard on the radio. They introduced me to a ton of different bands that are too numerous to mention here. They also introduced me to other fun things like drugs. It wouldn’t be long before a few of us formed a band. Comedy and baseball didn’t work but surely being in a band would get me some chicks, right? The band never went anywhere of course, but my friend Pete and I still had ambitions of starting a new band unlike anything anyone has ever seen or heard.  But we didn’t know any drummers and we had to work for a living. The process of getting this thing going was slow. I was growing tired of being a grown man living on $6.00/hr and went back to school at MCTC hoping to work towards a college degree to ‘fall back on’. 

Then, shortly after New Year’s Day, I learned that I’d knocked up the girl who until that point, had been my girlfriend for all of four months. My half-cocked dream of being a musician went right out the window. I never even got a bunch of chicks! Now I had to figure out how to support a family. I’d already been accepted to transfer to the U of M. Had I known I’d be a father, I’d have picked something a bit easier than the Astrophysics program. To me it was the most interesting and challenging major to pursue. I already had by heart set on becoming an astronomer. I wasn’t gonna let a little thing like a baby steer me off course. Well … it was a brutal few years as we raised our first baby while I studied some of the most difficult undergrad coursework in existence. By the end of it, I did graduate. But I was so burnt out on science and math, the thought of going to grad school in order to become an actual astronomer made me want to hang myself. Also, we were struggling financially and I needed to get a real job … fast!

After months of looking, I finally landed a desk job that a little retail outfit called Target. I had two kids now and finally made decent money. I was a full-fledged family man now. And what does every family man want to do? Provide a nice house with the yard for the kids to grow up in. Here I was at a company where I could move up and get those things. Now that was the dream. I was doing pretty good, too. Raises, promotions, it was just a matter of time. But something was wrong. I sure as hell wasn’t cut out to be a company man. I hated having multiple bosses ask me why SuperTarget was out of mozzarella cheese and what my action plan was to fix it. I longed to be creative again and to pursue something that I actually cared about. I was dying inside. 

There was only one thing that I knew I could be good at that I hadn’t seen through as far as I could. But I was already in deep with work and kids and I was entering my thirties. But I was lucky enough to have a very good friend who happened to be a stand-up comic. (If you’re wondering who the asshole is that told me I should try stand-up, you have Patrick Bauer to thank for that.) He encouraged me to head out to Grumpy’s and give it a shot.  For some reason, people laughed at my words and so I’ve kept at it. I can’t say I’ve honestly put forth my best effort yet. After all, my passion for comedy is only exceeded by my passion for doing nothing.  But I have a direction and a goal and I like where it might lead. That and every other dream I ever had is dead.